I like to make people laugh. Ever since I was a kid I've had timing. The sense to know when a joke, a gesture, or an action would be well received. This gift has come with adulation and praise from many of my family and friends. My entire life I've enjoyed a certain sense of "popularity" because of my abilities and my personality. Declarations of "He's gonna be in movies one day" and "Will has so much talent" were in no short supply. My mother in particular has probably always been my biggest fan. She has always encouraged me to pursue entertainment as a career, certain that I was born to be in front of a camera. I realize that support like this is quite uncommon and probably incredibly desired among those in the acting profession. Indeed, for most, telling your parents you want to be a professional actor is probably akin to telling them you want to join the circus. Sheer joy and excitement floods the room I'm sure. And by joy and excitement I mean weeping and wailing, gnashing of teeth. But good ol' mom isn't like that at all. She believes in me.
And yet...I find it difficult to believe in myself sometimes. I find it difficult to believe that I am deserving. I tell myself, "There are so many others out there trying to do the same thing that I am." I'm beleaguered thinking, "Who am I? What could I possibly offer that others already haven't?" This fear is crippling, it's wrong. There are other actors out there, but there is not another William Rubio. (Except for, according the IMDB, the stunt motorcyclist in Taxi)
Unfortunately, this seems to be a common thread amongst my colleagues. In my interactions with other actors I find that many are plagued with the same worries and fears. Many are in constant search of just enough validation to maintain hope. They want someone to say they are talented. Perhaps the unspoken dream is for someone to magically appear and say, "I believe in you so much that I will sponsor all your endeavors. You need not worry about a 9-5. You are an artist. I will give you the freedom to create without worry until the rest of the world recognizes your genius and rewards you for it."
I suppose we want to eliminate the risk involved. We are told that we need the stability that comes along with following social norms, yet our hearts won't allow it. Our society often rewards creative behavior, but in very few ways endorses it on the mainstream. I think subconciously some may think, "If only there was a set of rules to follow to show me exactly how to get to where I want". So we go in search of these rules, but we can't find them. Well, it's taken a while for me to figure out but, THERE IS NO SET OF RULES. Life is indeed what we make of it.
I find, as many others do as well, that it is hard to change, particularly the way one thinks or interacts with others. But I intend to. I will. I will change for the better. I will live life without a script (no pun intended). Why not? Worry and fear don't produce anything but emptiness and regret. The trouble is that the alternative involves work. It involves courage and determination. So we choose fear as an easy escape, as an excuse. But nothing that is worth anything is achieved without effort, right? Isn't that the great eternal truth here, that you reap what you sow?
Sigh....Well I intended for this to be a simple post about my plans to move to LA, but I guess it evolved into something else.
I had planned to move to LA in February. But my room mate/renter moving out has put a hold on things. It has made me realize just how many liabilities I have right now. So I face the shame of not leaving after having told many that I was. Dang, I really didn't want to be "that guy".
So here is the new plan. I'm going to sell my house. I'm going to take the money and pay off everything. Then I'll move to LA a free man, in more ways than one. So what if it takes another couple months. There is no shame in altering plans to put myself in a better position to succeed right? Besides, I scriptless now. ;)